When an introvert finally breaks down. It is not simply sobbing in a dark corner like an emo.
Sitting in a “corner” or wherever you end up being, sobbing, does not mean a breakdown. Unless the crying gets hysterical, then a breaking point has been reached.
To us sobbing means we are still being strong enough to hold ourselves together in order not to break down. Crying is the best we can do for ourselves, but there are times it is too hard to cry at all and instead you end up feeling emotionless. Which is also a point of breaking.
See introverts are not talkers when it involves problems and feelings or anything unsettling regarding their personal / private life. We are not the easy going type that feel like we can talk about our shit freely to just anyone.
Our silence speak the most, our smile say the least and our eyes reflect our soul.
We are observers more than we are casual talkers. That does not mean we do not talk about our shit at all, but we do not simply vent out all our feelings every day to any stranger who we might come in contact with.
We smile and do what we need to, to get through the day, with a fake laugh or two if so be. That’s that. If people talk casually, and we are obligated to reply, then we do so politely. But in the meantime, some people like to instantly talk about their problems, even if they just met you.
I will never publicly talk to a complete stranger about my personal life out of the blue. I mean I don’t even talk to most people in my life about private stuff. I’m positive that no introvert will do so either. I really don’t mean nitty gritty shit, small talk. I mean private as in it really has nothing to do with anyone.
As an introvert, I somewhat get very irritated with people who does that. Who start talking about their personal issues, their private life and all their sorrows. They don’t know me. They might as well go talk to someone by the road. Honestly sometimes I just don’t care about it. I’m not particularly rude, by not listening, but inside me at that moment I feel like some people do not consider the feelings of other people. Before you start talking, try thinking for yourself if you’re the only person in this world experiencing hardship. You just don’t talk about personal issues out of the blue and expect sympathy from a complete stranger.
I understand that some people need more attention than others, unlike an introvert who do not want to attract that kind of attention to themselves.
But some people indeed does want that kind of attention. They constantly want someone to agree and sympathise with them. I know a few of those. But luckily people have such a thing as personality, so everyone has their own set of “manners” I guess. You get those that keep to themselves and know it is not right to publicly talk about their shit. As well as some who can get to a point so low as publicly seeking attention from well… everyone.
But anyway, unlike those people who seem to feel sorry for themselves when they have no one around, because they have no one to vent at, we introverts on the other hand will keep it to ourselves up to a point where we feel like we are losing our mind. This is the peak of our breaking point.
Why?… Well we have this kind of barrier around us, constantly on high alert, making sure nothing gets out and nothing gets in. With this struggle going on, constantly on defence, our wall gets bruised and it can take a few very hard blows for it to eventually break down.
As we try to keep it up, but it starts to crumble, it takes something very small that finally set us off and we will let go. Our wall will break. When that happens, we sure as hell have a breakdown for good.
We feel uneasy, our mind confused, our thoughts going mad and there are just too many shity emotions and feelings escaping all at once. Our chest pain and we feel short of breath. It feels like we need to hold onto ourselves, in order to ground us and not lose all control. Not to do anything stupid. Sometimes we feel like we want to destroy whatever we can get our hands on, but at the same time we don’t. We feel like we don’t care about anything anymore, but at the same time we do.
When our head feel overwhelmed with all the things we thought we compressed, but suddenly runs wild. We want to scream loudly, very loudly, to get it all out. All the pain, all the demons, all the heaviness. Like it will somehow all go away.
Sometimes when we reach breaking points, even self-harm becomes a very pleasant, and vivid thought.
We do whatever brings the most relief of pain.
However extreme it might be, in the end everyone has their own way of relieving pain.
A breakdown for us is overwhelming and complicated. We don’t simply go hit a wall or door until our knuckles bleed, or break shit and throw shit (maybe a pillow, ’tis soft and not dangerous, and we can scream into it) or whatever and then we’re done. That’s more extrovert type, especially the guys.
Introverts don’t usually have such a short temper. That is not our problem or our trigger to a breaking point. We are not the type to need anger management.
But sometimes we do need support, although we usually do not always admit it. Even a hug sometimes, a shoulder, even if we don’t necessarily feel like crying. Understanding sometimes, even if we say nothing. We don’t need anyone to fix our problems and we are not asking anyone to fix it for us. We take care of it on our own for as long as we have to. Don’t try to do it for us, it will make it even worse. Don’t try to tell us what decisions to make, but don’t lie about your honest opinion either… Just understand and support us. We will come to you if we really need help in the end or someone to talk to.
But when we do talk, whether about something small or something serious, we expect you to listen to us as we listen to you. When we talk, we talk to people especially close to us. If you let us down, we end up feeling lonely, as we only have a limited amount of people we trust.
Once that, or a, “chosen” person let us down and show us they actually don’t care, they contribute to the hits our wall take and the bruises it leave behind.
Why? Because the support we wanted, that holds our walls, let us down. It become harder and harder for us to open up, every time we get let down. Thus causing our “defence system”.
Oh yeah and I just want to add that one of the worst things that irritate the hell out of me, is when someone can’t read the air. If we don’t feel like talking, leave us, because we will eventually talk if need be. Don’t nag at us. We are sensitive creatures. Don’t make crappy jokes that intentionally hurt our feelings, because you are too dense to figure out that not everything in life is a joke for us as it is for you. We are not humoured by your jokes, when it is irrelevant. Joking about things that actually mean something to us, is the worst. Personally I hate it and when people do that to me it feels like they are intentionally trying to hurt me and bring me down. Fuck you.
Anyway, to some people a lot of this post might not make sense at all, and to some it will totally make sense. Whether you’re introvert or extrovert, everyone have some kind of extreme breakdown, everyone has a let out. Whether talking to everyone, or just a few, or one person. Whether hitting a wall and get it over with, or maybe something else.
It’s not the same each time and it is not the same for everyone.
We introverts are mostly alone when we feel like we reached a breaking point. So we break down. We go through with it, and it will end eventually and no one will know about it… No one finds out either.
But sometimes there happen to be someone who triggered that last bit of sanity you held onto, and unfortunately for them, they will have to deal with the outcome, but that’s okay. Because we won’t just break down in front of just anyone. Sometimes it’s okay to break down with someone around, I guess. But during this point of break down, we practically just explain that we are simply just exhausted emotionally, even though it is always much more than that and emotionally exhausted also means physically exhausted and it feels like our soul has been drained. We are mentally, emotionally and physically drained.
When someone is around at the moment of a break down, we struggle to talk correctly because our head is just going mad, so we say everything that comes up in defence, mutter random things that’s wrong in a confusing manner, but we never manage to point out what’s actually going on in our mind, just because it’s too scrambled up and we are simply too unstable at that moment to think straight. In the end you stop talking, you stop freaking out, try to gather your sanity again and you apologise, as you feel sorry for the person who you put on the spot. You go back to acting normal, saying you’re fine now… Because you want to avoid talking any further, and you have just no way of explaining correctly what is actually wrong or putting emotions into words. Because it is never just one thing, but a thousand. Imagine that every drop of water in an average sized swimming pool is a thought, emotion and / or feeling, and all that water is somehow escaping the walls of the swimming pool. That is how it feels. How do you gather all of those drops without losing your shit?
The next day, you try to forget about it, move on, act fine and completely evade any kind of small talk that might lead to talking about “that” break down. We don’t want to talk about it anymore, we had it, and it was bad enough. Talking about it make us feel uncomfortable. We sort it out in our head, silently, as it is easier to do so than to talk about it.
But the truth is… Breaking down doesn’t mean suddenly everything is all good now, it means we have to gather our sanity, all our escaped emotions and thoughts, deal with the emotional and physical pain, stress and strain… Thus we have to gather all the building blocks of our wall and miserably start building our wall all over again to protect ourselves constantly from a cruel world, from people who try to selfishly break us down in order to make themselves feel better about themselves and their faults in life, from negativity trying to impose on us, from hate trying to overcome our life, etc etc… Demons.
Just because we build a barrier for protection, does not mean we do not hurt or can not be hurt. We, as anyone, can just as well be as naive as the next person. Everyone has a weak point and some people know better than others how to pressure your weakness and break you and use you and manipulate you until you have no more will to stand on your own, and have no more strength to keep up your wall.
Let me remind you that once you let the wrong people through your wall, it is the most painful experience you will ever have, because we are most vulnerable from the inside. Getting rid of the demons from the inside is harder than fighting to keep them out. Introverts get hurt the most from those we let through. It all depends on those who breach our wall, because some conquer our wall with love and some with hate, some for good intentions and some for bad intentions.
Life happens to throw you some shit in many different ways. Sometimes we fall, sometimes we don’t. If we do, we get up stronger and start again and learn from our past. Sometimes people get in our way, because they are a lesson. Sometimes they are the way. In any case, there will always be ups and downs in life and we all have our ways of dealing with whatever comes our way.
But the next time you think about why you are hurt, because you let it happen and now you want everyone to feel sorry for your sorrowful life, try to remember the fact that you share life with thousands of other people who also have their own shit to deal with. Stop being inconsiderate of other people’s feelings.